December 03rd, 2018
Chicago Police have confirmed at least a dozen reports of a “living creature in the sky” this month, creating fear and speculation abound. UFO sightings began shortly after the arrival of a mysterious silver orb at the northern tip of Chicago. Reports have come in from as far north as the orb in Rogers Park and as far south as Cicero.
Dimo’s Pizza Professionals seek not only to feed Chicagoans, but also to protect them. As such, we made it our mission to research the true nature of this other-worldly phenomenon. We got close enough to the creature to obtain a DNA sample of what we believed to be tentacles. Up close it became immediately clear these were not tentacles, but strands of pasta. The sample was sent back to the lab to determine whether we were dealing with linguine, fettuccine, spaghetti, or some angelhair variant. Labwork confirmed with 99.7% certainty that we were indeed looking at spaghetti.
Dimo’s is confident in announcing that the creature is the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Loaded with meatballs and fresh mozzarella, this Monster isn’t here to cause harm. Rather, FSM wants to feed Chicagoans and tourists alike. It appears the Monster won’t be going away until hundreds, if not thousands, have been satisfied by its delicious flavor. You can get in on the action by visiting Dimo's in Wrigleyville or Wicker Park, or by ordering online.
It took 72 sleepless hours to crack the language barrier, but once we established a way to speak with the Monster, negotiations went smoothly. Flying Spaghetti Monster agreed to stop terrorizing Chicago under two conditions:
1. Dimo’s Pizza serves Flying Spaghetti Monster pizzas this winter
2. We never reveal the birthplace of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to the public